Quitting/losing my job was harder than I thought. So much of my identity was wrapped up in it, my hopes for the future, my relationships - and I didn't get the traditional 2 weeks to transition gracefully. I got walked to the door.
So I spent a few days battling feelings of anger and betrayal, a few days mourning lost friendships, and then it was time to stop looking backwards and start looking forwards, because, in a few short days I'll be starting a new job, and I don't want to repeat my mistakes. My biggest regret is knowing how many people must have celebrated when I left. It hurts. I was telling a friend tonight that this time around I'm going to try harder to make people like me.
She reminded me of something I wrote not too long ago - that I felt like a fake person at work - a person I hated being, a manipulative, confrontational, paranoid, skeptical politician. This time, just be yourself, she told me. You might not get as far in your career, but you won't be miserable.
That's great advice. Screw being likable. I was much happier being an eccentric, solitary book-worm than I ever was being in charge of people and leading meetings. but, after all these big life changes recently - divorce and new relationships, my oldest leaving home, losing my job, fessing up to and treating my depression and adhd, and finding God, I don't know who I am now. Am I the same person at all? What makes me like myself? What am I proud of? What do I enjoy? What am I good at? What is important to me? what am I interested in? If past experience doesn't reflect my current state, and it seems that it doesn't, then... How do I even begin to find the answers?
Comments (2)
It's always an illusion to imagine you know yourself based on what you used to enjoy, the things that "have always" made you happy, what other people value, etc. Knowing and loving and expressing who you truly are today is a worthy goal for any person. In my experience it requires presence and awareness, a practice of listening to myself for a sense of rightness and wholeness. When I begin something that feels "off", it's generally pretty clear, if subtle. Do I have misgivings in my heart? Does it feel dishonest or in some way not fully me - or conversely, despite the task being hard or frightening does it make me feel somehow more whole, does my integrity feel intact, do I feel like I'm growing? In short does this action (attitude, conversation, friendship, desire, etc) lead towards life?
I hope your new work brings you - and those around you - great joy! It sounds like this new, fresh start may be a real gift indeed.
I think you are asking yourself the right questions and open to hearing or seeing the answers when they begin to show up. It's adventure time.